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design | host this is just too difficult to think about right now. it's almost nine-thirty. i'm sitting here at the computer. my family (excluding my sister and myself) is watching the punisher behind me in our livingroom. I do not want to watch it. my reasons are childish and stupid. if no one gets online to talk to me, i'm going to go in my room and read The Bell Jar until i get sick of seeing the world. My sister is at the cave socializing. I hate the cave. Sometimes i feel like i struggle to find a niche for myself in my life. Then i think to myself that my place in society is to be struggling for a place. I don't know if that makes any sense. i don't know if anything makes sense. i don't know what sense is right now. i'm going to cut and paste pictures and make a cover for a notebook i'm going to start using as my journal. i filled the one i was using all the way full in homeroom yesterday while waiting for school pictures. i loathe school pictures in an almost unnatural way. Sometimes i think that maybe i don't take bad pictures and that it's all in my head. and then i look at my pictures and think that if it's in my head, it is in very very deep. it's the weekend and we get free cell phone minutes but i don't know who to call. i don't have a sweet heart. i don't know what i'd say to any of my friends. one of the numbers in my cell phone is just a recording. the recording is never very talkative. i guess the best thing that's happened this weekend is, i finally got my tickets to see Green Day. they didn't go on sale until today unless you had some stupid promotional code (which i did not) and i slept so late and got so distracted that i didn't remember to buy them until they'd been on sale for 1/2 an hour. when i logged on to ticketmaster to buy them there were no seats on the floor. i'm sitting in section 117. i tell myself that tickets at all are awesome, which they are. Everyone says that Green Day plays every single show like it's the last one they'll ever do. But i just want to kick myself because we could have gotten seats on the floor if i hadn't been such a retard. It'll be me, my mom, my sister and for a few odd reasons, Glenn Russman. i told him about the show and he really wanted to go. so his parents agreed to let him come along with us. I wish i could've seen a Green Day concert MY freshman year. Glenn's my little buddy. i've got him under my wing, so to speak. He's just realising that life sucks, and i'm helping him cope with teenage angst. to a degree. It feels good to have a little grasshopper. so Glenn's going to lose his concert virginity to Green Day. lucky son of a gun. i just hope the seats we have don't suck--- even though i plan to see Green Day more than once. I'm tempted to look at guitars on Ebay but i don't think my parents want me screwing around with their credit card--- even though i'll pay them back, because once handling fees and service charges and $40 concert tickets are processed, they just spent about $200 at the click of a mouse button. I'm probably going to go in my room and make a pretty cover for my new journal and start writing in it with an introduction for posterity and then i'll read The Bell Jar. i'm only on chapter 2 but Ms. Thomkins says i'll really like it. I've been making a few choices lately that i wouldn't ordinarily have made a few years ago and i just figure i'm becoming desensitized to the bad things in the world. I've noticed that it's really irritating when people like me try to force values down other people's throats... and while i still have these values, i'm sorry if i ever tried to make anyone uncomfortable with my molly mormon attitude. Your business is yours and Mormon wife should stay out of it. Only God can judge us. i now have no opinion, seeing as even if i had a right to be self righteous (which i don't,) no body likes that person. i don't know where i was going with that but i'll leave it in here instead of deleting (or omitting) some other things in this stupid entry. The other day i was fighting with casey about something and i just couldn't stand the sound of her voice and i ran across the livingroom and kicked her in the back of her knee. she fell over, but she didn't yell like i expected. we were (ironically) getting ready for seminary and she and my mother were both very quiet. mom asked me if i felt better (having kicked my sister.) i told her that no, i did not, and i rarely felt good any more. i could moan on and on about this place killing me from the inside, but i know that most of this anger and this apathy and this depression is because of myself. It's my frame of mind and i'm not doing anything to fix it. so i'll stay this way, with a sour little face coming home from school every day and sheer will getting me out of bed every morning. I'll write angry "poems" and go to lots of concerts and get a job so i can complain about that. i honestly don't know if i'm going to make it through adolescence, but i am sick and tired of wondering so i'm just going to see what happens. i don't want any adivce and i don't want pity because i can't slap a name on any of the things i'm feeling. i made a list of things i want in a mate the other day and then i was sad because i didn't think i possesed the qualities i expected someone else to have. If i want to have normal healthy relationships i guess i've got to become a better person. i still don't know where i'm going with any of this and i commend anyone who's stuck with this entry up to here. i'm just trying to figure myself out and i make lots of mistakes and i probably piss people off. my sister says that one of her friends is afraid of me. she says he saw me dancing (with myself) (to boys don't cry) at the school social in august and he thinks i'm weird. i was strangely flattered. sometimes i think that having no niche is my niche. i'm just so tired. this is just too difficult to think about right now. i'm going to log off now and the little door on the aol instant messenger is going to slam. i'll see you guys tomorrow. maybe things will be clearer then. Oh crap. i forgot to feed my fish. i hope he's not dead. i hope he forgives me. |
