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design | host i'm not okay(i promise) i was going to switch over and put this in my snotty locked diary but screw it. i feel like shit. i stopped telling lies though. when people ask me if i'm okay, i say no. i don't see why i have to be ok. if i would even provoke them to ask, i think the answer would be quite obvious. when people ask why i'm not okay i tell them "everything's horrible" because right now it is. yeah. i'm a snotty little bitch and everything is horrible and i'm going to whine. i'm not going to list ALL of the specifics because some of them are shallow and some of them can't be understood by everybody and the rest i just don't want leaking out as gossip, because i'm not a moron and i'm not deaf or blind (at least on a litteral level) and i know which friends gossip. i hate myself when i get like this. i'm lethargic and irritable- especially to my family- and they didn't even do anything. what i do when i get like this is i clean my room from top to bottom, stopping to rest in the middle of making my bed because it hurts my back so much- and then when it's all neat and nice i play my guitar and when i'm done with that i put on a sad cd and mope on my bed-- for hours. it's not healthy or productive. but who says i have to be healthy and productive. i think i want to play calypso [by spiderbait], friday(i'm inlove) [by the cure] and ha ha you're dead [by green day] for the talent show. we'll see how much time i'm supposed to take up. jd keeps waffling between drumming for me and not drumming for me and i have to bribe him with cookies and he keeps feeding me all of this bullshit about how i should play iron maiden instead. you know what he and his big fuck of a brother did? they told me our act was off for the talent show, and then started it up again behind my back and replaced me with a girl who's been here a week. i mean, i'm happy i don't have to deal with their bullshit, but i'm a good bassist and i was going to be grown up and professional about the whole thing. it just pisses me off. pisses me off because i spent time learning useless bass parts to useless black sabbath songs. fuck. fuck. i can barely tolerate jd and levi at lunch now. any time for that matter. oops there i go with names. fuck fuck. i'm such a caustic hostile bitch -- impossible for me to just be friends with people. with people i'll actually have to spend time with anyway. i miss chuck and i miss ethan and my sister keeps asking me to help with her spanish homework and i just end up doing it all and there's a canoe shaped lump in my right breast and mom keeps forgetting to make the tricare appointment for my ultrasound fuck fuck fuck it's probably benign don't worry. i'm so hard to deal with the thought that i could die alone and childless is almost always somewhere in the back of my mind. all of my friends hate eachother and i'm too tired to deal with a lot of my friends fuck fuck fuck. sunshine
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