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design | host blubber's suicide attempts destroyed mother's nerves this has not been a good week. yesterday, i finished typing a whiney entry in this very same online diary when tragedy struck. please bear with me if this sounds stupid. I cleaned my room and glanced around at the job i'd done and noticed that Robbie's fishbowl was, well, i'm ashamed to say, filthy dirty. what sort of mother lets her fish swim in filthy water? so i decided to clean it all out for Him. I remembered last time i did it the water was too cold, so i let the tap run a bit longer in a tupperware bowl for him to sit while i washed everything out. i plopped him in said tupperware and watched him do a few happy laps around the perrimeter. smiling, i turned to the sink and proceeded to scrub his little glass beads and fake plant. i cleaned out his fish bowl, humming a little as the work progressed. then my brother told me that Robbie was trying to jump out of his bowl. my mind flicked to Amelie. (blubber's suicide attempts destroyed mother's nerves...) i rushed over to see Robbie still in the water- flopped on his side- fins flipping wildly in a panic. the water was too warm! the laps weren't happy at all. he was trying to escape! quickly i tried to get him to cooler water but his nervous system was too shocked. i watched in horrified dismay as Robbie turned upside down right before my eyes to lay still- except for a few erratic jerks as his nervous system thumped in the bowl. He floated there. i satrted to cry and my father made an attempt at a revival- trying to jump start his heart or something- but Robbies swimming days are over. He just floated there- his operculum wide open, gaping savagely at me in a grotesque imitation of a grin. Like all bony fishes, he has a swim bladder. that's why they float when they die. i flashed back to the fish i dissected last year in biology- but that one seemed so big- and dead- and it's not like i ever knew that fish. Robbie is dead, and yes, i killed him. i was sobbing there in the kitchen and i felt like i was five. my mom came and gave me a hug and told me not to beat myself up about it, saying all sorts of reassuring things. among them "Sometimes there are fish you flush." she told me it was just an accident, and he lived a good life... yes. up until i killed him. she said i had a fish that died when i was five- and after listening to a well thought out discussion about life and death i eagerly asked "can i flush it now?" I buried Robbie, not finding it dignified that he should rot among turds and used tampons. my mom felt so bad for me she took me to walmart and bought me a fish... her reasoning being that i could give another fish a home, since i've got all of this great fish stuff. he's little and red and i think his name will be Angus. the terms of our relationship are that he will be a fish and i will do my best not to kill him. i feel really awful about this and can't stand to think that yesterday morning robbie was alive and now he's dead, and it's all because of me. i know he was just a fish... and i probably sound like an idiot. But i'll miss him. i guess you don't really care. i guess you had to know him. rest in peace Robbie- in fish heaven. |