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design | host not a lucky hero until one reaches the great wall. i guess i could end my hiatus. My random, half assed hiatus. Now back for the moronic ranting you sick freaks must crave. i havn't been sleeping very well lately. I'm always tired, but sometimes not at night. All sorts of thoughts buzzing. I don't think i even actually went to sleep last night. no REM sleep, that's for sure. I was thinking the whole time. I saw each hour come and go- and decided to get up at 5:30 after tossing and turning for about... five and 1/2 hours. I hate that the most. I can't find a comfortable position. My arms fall asleep before i do. i get too hot. then too cold. then casey climbs in bed with me and she's kicking me and wow it's 4 am. what's even worse is waking up from a sound sleep with my mind already racing- in the throws of a panic attack, gasping for breath. But i'm sure the whole sleep disorder thing is totally felt up. old news. bring us new trauma. i guess i bring it upon myself but i feel really disconnected from all of my quote unquote friends. I perpetuate my lonliness by refusing to go out in my spare time... alienating myself and spening as much time alone as possible. i have no idea what's going on in anyone's life, let alone my own, and it's depressing. now i remember why i took a break. this all sounds the same. i'm failing algebra and i don't care. i look past the numbers (real and imaginary) and i don't see anything past that. it says there's a danger of me failing algebra for the year on my progress notice... and i don't care. it's a little sad sometimes but i really don't see the pro's in working hard in this class out-weighing the cons. there's a boston creme cake that should be cool now in the fridge. i'm going to cut it in half and put custard in the middle. on days like this, after the exhausted 3 hour naps on top of my history homework in the afternoon sun, i take all of these feelings and i put them into cake form. someone called my dad today with a possible job interview concerning the albequercy (spelling?) New Mexico.... so again. i have no fucking idea what's going on in my life. do to unforseen circumstances aspects of my life are no longer the same and i really have no choice but to sit and watch. college. i don't know if i'll be going to college. i havn't taken the SAT yet. i really dont' think i care about college. i think failing algebra is frowned upon to almost all of them. i can't get excited about my future. i see it as a chore. each day is a task. each breath is labored. my job is hard work but i get paid. i like it enough to keep going but dislike it enough to not really care if they fire me. you only get 1 topping with the 5 5 5 deal for crying out loud. almost everyone who calls domino's is a moron. those who are not know who they are. my sister showed me a huge hickey on her neck... and all i could think about was that i think i'm going to die alone. i really don't think i trust another person to stay with me or love me and i only anticipate hurt in the future. constant tummult and my hypothalamus sending a constant message like a steel spike through my brain that i need to get laid. dammit i still think i want to wait for marriage. so the consensus is i die a virgin. i got my braces off on tuesday and my retainer doesn't fit. the surface of each tooth is smooth and shiny and there's the relief of no longer wearing braces. but in my present mental state there's also the last residue of glue stuck to my upper canines, the prospect of a plastic appliance permanently attatched to my mouth and the thought that as i type this, not wearing my non-fitting retainter, the teeth i torturously moved into place over four years are going to shift again. i'm not used to smiling without my lips over my teeth. my head looks round. like a gumball. i've decided i'm not going to prom so fuck everyone who is going and everyone who has a date. i have some emotional problems, and i'll just bring down your evening... and distract from everyone soaking up eachother's awesomeness. i can feel fatigue like a toxin settled into my face and eyes and lining my trachea. yawning shakes my whole chest and sends white dots in front of my eyes. the people with the power to make things happen do not give a shit about me or the lump in my breast, which i suspect has a twin by now, and this particular region is always sore. but i don't think it's cancer, as i've been hoping for some time to drop dead and would not trust whatever force governing the universe to give me anything i'd actually want. i'm a whiney little bitch who sees her friends slipping away and does little to reverse the situation but make depressing remarks about the hopelessness of life and the uselessness of trying for anything as it will end in failure. sometimes when i'm feeling extra comatose, i go for rides in the car and don't do up the seat belt, just incase karma decides to fuck someone else over and i get caught in the mix. now to frost the cake. |